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Somali Heritage Month - Coming Soon To Canada

Canada currently has a whole host of problems, but instead of addressing them, dingleberry Yvan Baker (MP for Etobicoke) introduced a bill to make July Somali Heritage Month... in Canada.  On his X post, he even used an exclamation mark but you shouldn't be using unnecessary exclamation marks, or wear a bow tie, unless you're under the age of 10.

"Canadians of Somali descent have left and continue to leave a historic mark on Canada"

I wish that was a half sentence that ended at "leave".  I kept getting these guys mixed up with Haitians; who are the ones that eat dogs again?

You might be wondering why Canada is bothering to do this since there are at least 100 other things that need fixing.  Well, Canada hasn't been any good since about 2015 so this is par for the course; the course of being stupid and wasting time.

I searched high and low and I made a list of the great accomplishments of Somalis in Canada.  In no particular order:

- breeding

- more accidents on the 401

- adding to the unemployment statistic

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-

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With accomplishments like that, we should have had Somali Month decades ago.

According to the stats, the GTA has 20,000 Somali residents.  20,000's not a bad number but it's not really a national interest thing.  I gave myself a hernia trying to give a shit about the idea of Somali Heritage Month.  It's as stupid as the thought of Canada joining the EU.  Anyways, maybe they should start off with a Somali Week where they can take over a public park, set up tents, cook up some native dishes and maybe a couple of t-shirt booths (money's in the merch) and if that takes off, then maybe a Somali Month where you can be trained to hijack boats and take hostages.  Fun for the whole family.

New Somali Flag representing pirating or hunger.

 
Let's look at some fun facts about where some Somalis come from (provided by factinstitute.com):

While broke, they're environmentally friendly: "Somalia is among the world's poorest nations", so I get why coming to Canada circa 2026 would feel like home.  Also they have "the lowest CO2 emissions per capita", which means absolutely nothing when you aren't industrialized.  You can't emit what you don't have.

Back in Africa, they don't have a functioning government - just like Canada, and Somaliland (I laughed too) "continues to seek international recognition" - just like Canada.  The Somali government "struggles with low domestic revenue and widespread corruption" - just like Canada.

While Somali "refugees" should feel right at home in Canada, they should be warned that most Canadians are in the habit of using soap when they wash and bathe, and body odour is still frowned upon.  Equally frowned upon is shitting on public beaches.

Obesity is not a problem in Somali: "Somalia is ranked as the hungriest country in the world for 2025".  That would make me absolutely hangry.  Currently, 25% of Canadians now have to go to the Food Bank (that's about 1 million people) because of the current government's poor decision making.  Don't worry though, Mark Carney's an economic genius.  Gotcha.  That's not a fact.  Just seeing if you're still reading.

Did you know Somali Pirates were a real thing?  Instead of looking for buried treasure, they took hostages.  "Throughout the 2000s, pirates operated in the shipping lanes of the Gulf of Aden, regularly seizing ships and taking hostages.  It peaked in 2010 when 49 ships were hijacked and 1000 people were held as hostages.  The 2009 highjacking of the Maersk Alabama inspired the 2013 movie, Captain Phillips."

Not only are Somalis are good for the entertainment industry, they're fluent in the Arts, all the way back some 5000 years when they were painting in caves.  They knew how to use more than two colours - more than their current flag.

Somalia ranks 179th out of 180 countries on the 2025 Corruption Perceptions Index, making it the second most corrupt country.  Beat that, Canada.  You're in the middle of the pack at 75 now but if you stick to the current plan, you'll be right beside Somali in no time, bringing everyone else down in the process.  Heck, maybe Somalis in Canada are teaching the current government some new tricks.

So, sure, why not?  And who cares?  Somali Heritage Month to appease a statistical 0% of the population.  Canada's basically a third world country these days, including an unelected majority, so Somalis should fit it just fine. 

But if I catch one of those pirates eyeing up my dog...