Wednesday, February 8, 2023

Coming Soon from D & D

D&D has really gotten progressive over the years.  The latest is the removal of the term Race in the game.  Lots of nerds can sleep better in their parents' basement but more needs to change.  I got the Time Machine out and got a hold of D&D's Feature Update from 2025.  Let's have a look:

Greetings, Dungeon Masters

Here at D&D, we're striving to make our game even more Diverse, Inclusive and Equitable.  While we know that Equity defeats the purpose of playing any game, we're still taking bold steps in this exciting new direction.  As a result, we will be updating some of the D&D rules.

Our first step years ago was to eliminate the word Race from being used in our literature and we replaced it with the word Species in order not to offend people who don't buy our products.  In continuation, to reflect our new philosophy, we have changed the rules of D&D to be a more updated game for everyone, and we mean everyone, to enjoy.

In our desire to make D&D more equitable, our first change to the rules will be every character will be the same level, whether you're starting a brand new Bard or you've have had the same Paladin for years.  Players that have super-strong, skilled and wealthy characters from years of playing and grinding it out will be now capped and will have to distribute anything above that unspecified threshold to newer, lesser characters.  While that may be a slap in the face to those that stuck by our product for years, we're sure you'll understand that here at D&D, we want a fair and equitable game that reflects a society based on how blue and pink haired lesbians think it should be.

While we all struggle with making opposites like diversity and equity work together, all classes will now have the same abilities.  We found that Wizards never had the strength of a Barbarian and that is hurtful to all wizards' feelings.  WLM.  Wizards can now take on an Aarakocrian Monk just like a Barbarian and Barbarians can cast spells just like a seasoned Wizards  Aasimars rejoice since every character’s stats from now on will be based off of Shriekers.  

We are removing Experience from the game.  Players all have their own unique experiences which makes us all truly diverse.  Through this lens, we believe that the Experience stat to be offensive as it only marginalizes players who have less experience.  Henceforth, leveling up will be removed from the game.  

There will be the removal of gender on all characters.  Now all characters will be sexless and unappealing, like real-life "non-binary" people.  You will still have the option to make your character unique, although we highly recommend against that line of thinking.  Player's characters will be able to wear either black, brown or grey clothing.

Collecting gold/treasure will be removed from the game.  In its place, a new QR code system will be introduced and everything will be based on a Social Credit system.  You will own nothing.

Depictions of species in the manuals will now be drawn by their own species.  In the past, sometimes 4 or 5 humans were allowed to draw all sorts of species: ogres, dragons, orcs, etc.  Now, only Goblins can draw Goblins, Skeletons can only be drawn by other Skeletons, etc.  This way they are accurately able to share their own personal experiences and tell their own stories.


More-sided dice.  We here at D&D feel there could be more room for dice.  Normally in D&D, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12 and 20 sided dice are used.  We feel that leaves many other dice, most notably 3 and 7 sided dice, marginalized.  We are expanding dice usage to include 3, 5, 7 and 11 sided dice.  While we debated about having a 1 sided die represented, the term Mobius Strip is highly offensive to the players without a sense of humour.

We are so excited and we hope you'll embrace the new changes we've made to the game!  By focusing on making the game more inclusive, diverse and equitable, we're also making any D&D dungeon a Safe Space for everyone to enjoy.

- the D&D Team, Q3 2025

1 comment:

  1. I’ll stick with first gen rules thank you very much.